Monthly Archives: April 2013

Sighing: The agony and the ecstacy of daddyhood

I’ve been in a few discussions about why I don’t write here often like I promised when I began this blog. It’s not that I do not have the material. I have that in spades, thank God.

Maybe, since becoming a dad to Noah and Moses, I’ve become more aware of how blessed  my life really is. Not to sound unappreciative, but that’s kind of been my dilemma.

My sons, they smile a lot. And whenever they smile their sweet, naughty cherub smiles, my heart feels like it’s going to explode. All in one moment: gratitude, disbelief, joy, wonder, and also worry and fear that the moment’s happiness is just that — a moment fleeting just for the remembering. (More painful, I have a really lousy memory now!)

It’s just too goddamn beautiful. I take it all in, I let it flow through me. I sigh. I sigh a lot.

If you’re a parent and you still watch your kids while they sleep, you probably know what I mean.

Moments with my kids take my breath away like a punch to the gut. Knocks the wind out of me so I can’t easily write them down in here. I’m not sure it’s normal. I should just be freakin’ happy, but I always end up writing something sappy. So I try not to be melodramatic but it seems I can’t write otherwise.

Like one day last week, Noah caught me completely by surprise when he volunteered to take off my shoes and socks when I got home. I guess he could tell I was tired from work.  As soon as I plopped down on the couch, he sat down on the floor in front of me, smiled and said in his high-pitched sorta-baby, sorta-boy voice, “I’ll help you, daddy!” He quickly took them off, brought my socks to the hamper and my shoes to the bedroom upstairs. I was dumbfounded. Where’d he learn to do that? Why did he do that? All I could do in return was kiss him on the forehead and say thank you, son.

I was holding back my tears when he did it again the next day. And the day after that.

Last night, I didn’t feel like crying inside any more, so I stopped him and told him that I loved him but he didn’t need to do that for me yet, I can still manage and he can take care of me when I’m old and grey.

He smiled back and I sighed. See?