I’ve been inÂ a fewÂ discussions about why I don’t write here often like I promised when I began this blog. It’s not that I do not have the material. I haveÂ that in spades, thank God.
Maybe, since becoming a dad to Noah and Moses, I’ve become more aware of how blessedÂ my life really is. Not to soundÂ unappreciative,Â but that’s kind of beenÂ my dilemma.
My sons, they smile a lot.Â And whenever they smile their sweet, naughtyÂ cherub smiles, my heart feels like it’s going to explode.Â All in one moment: gratitude, disbelief, joy, wonder, and also worry andÂ fear that the moment’s happiness is just that –Â a moment fleeting just for the remembering. (More painful, I have a reallyÂ lousy memory now!)
It’s just too goddamn beautiful. I take it all in, I let it flow through me. I sigh. I sighÂ a lot.
If you’re a parent and you still watch your kidsÂ while theyÂ sleep, you probably know what I mean.
Moments with my kidsÂ take my breath away like aÂ punchÂ to the gut. Knocks the wind out of me soÂ I can’tÂ easilyÂ write themÂ down in here.Â I’m not sure it’s normal. I should just be freakin’Â happy, but I always end upÂ writing something sappy. So I try not to beÂ melodramatic butÂ it seems IÂ can’t writeÂ otherwise.
Like one day last week, NoahÂ caught me completely by surprise when he volunteered to take off my shoes and socks when I got home. I guess he could tell I wasÂ tired from work.Â As soon as I plopped down on the couch, heÂ sat downÂ on the floor in front of me, smiled andÂ said in his high-pitched sorta-baby, sorta-boy voice, “I’ll help you, daddy!” He quicklyÂ took them off, broughtÂ my socks to the hamper and my shoes to the bedroom upstairs. I was dumbfounded. Where’d he learn to do that? Why did he do that? All I could doÂ in returnÂ was kissÂ him on the forehead and say thank you, son.
I was holding back my tears when he did it again the next day. And the day after that.
Last night,Â I didn’t feel like crying inside any more, so I stopped him and told him that I loved himÂ but he didn’t need to do that for me yet,Â I can still manage andÂ he can take care of me when I’m old and grey.
He smiled back and I sighed. See?